Things That Make You Go Ugh! Volume 5

God Speaks, Paris Sees Melodramatic Light Apparently Paris Hilton is so famous now that she gets sent special messages from God via text message. According to Paris, this whole experience of her driving a car without a proper permit, getting busted, and thrown in jail has been a message from God. In reality, I’m sure God stopped trying to send those : STOP BEING A SLUT messages along time ago. After her short stint in the slammer, her even shorter release, and her re-entry, Paris has – dare I say it: Seen the error of her ways. What a load of smelly socks and rotten eggs that is. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Hilton stated that:

“I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute. It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me."

Right, of course. Because her desire to be a better role model for young girls didn’t happen after her infamous sex tape made headlines, or the many, many, many tabloid headlines surrounding her all day and night partying. Her revelation happens after her lawyers’ really lame lie to get her out of jail backfired forcing her to realize she can’t dictate the law to her comfort level.

"I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am," Hilton told Walters. "My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail. God has released me."

Paris should look into writing for soap operas. There is definitely a place for her in the world of really emo, self-pitying monologues.